Time for a new round of search term Q&A

We haven’t done this in forever, but my longer term peeps know I like to occasionally go through the WordPress report on the search terms that have brought people to my site, and do my best to oblige them with answers to their burning questions. So let’s get to it:

mr. rochester is an asshole: You seem to have worked this out on your own, so why the search? If you’re seeking confirmation, then yes. Mr. Rochester is an asshole. We love him anyway though, because Jane does, and that’s good enough for us.

supernatural x reader lemon: Last time I did this, I had one that said mr rochester x reader lemon. Now this. I’m not quite sure I’ve got the proper decoder ring. Um, drink more Ovaltine?

scariest things: Spiders, clowns, creepy dolls, walking across your dark room to your bed when you just know a pale slimy hand is about to reach out from under it and grab you (No? Just me?), deep water, any vague unidentified problems that involve calling a plumber or an electrician.

terrifying jaws: Assuming you mean the shark, then yes, I can confirm that Jaws is terrifying. Human jaws are not even unsettling.

illidan wisely say: You are not prepared.

formatting messed up on createspace template: You’ve got to watch those guys, it’s true. Just double check the centering on your headers and footers; they like to leave the first line indent in there, so it’s not really centered at all.

the north remembers: YES IT DOES.

jen rasmussen: You’ve come to the right place! Except, there is another Jen Rasmussen who seems to be an expert bee keeper. I am not her, and I’m afraid my only knowledge of honey is as it relates to tea or baking bread. I’m not fond of bees.

jen rasmussen hawaii: Sign me up!

jen rasmussen porn: Do not sign me up!

jen is cow: Now you’re just being rude.

richard armitage nude: You again? Well, points for persistence. But I’m afraid I can’t help you.

gaming with jen facebook: I’m not into Facebook games, but if you want to do some WoW pet battles, I am your girl.

I also get quite a few visitors who arrive here after various searches having to do with Authors United, but honestly, I just don’t even want to talk about them anymore. It’s gotten too ridiculous to even mock.

Amazon vs. Authors United, Round 2

Last year, Authors United, a group of professional writers—by their own definition the most prestigious one ever assembled!—managed to write the very worst persuasive essay I’d ever seen.

This year, they’ve topped it. And because being concise with misinformation and disingenuous posturing is hard, there’s also a companion position paper of 24 pages.

Some of you are no doubt too busy to read all that, so once again, I’ll give you a quick rundown of the whole kerfuffle.


AUTHORS UNITED: America!

AMAZON: You again? We’re trying to work here.

AUTHORS UNITED: You’re a monopoly! And a monopsony!

AMAZON: If you’re a Prime member, we can get a dictionary to your house in two days. Better yet, we have them available for Kindle!

AUTHORS UNITED: You’re blocking the sale of books!

AMAZON: How’s that?

AUTHORS UNITED: Because you sell too many of the books!

AMAZON: …

AUTHORS UNITED: And you try to sell more of your own products than ours! And you don’t do ANYTHING to foster competition!

AMAZON: Business?

AUTHORS  UNITED: And if those poor pathetic self publishers don’t price their books how you say, you cut their royalties!

AMAZON: You mean, we cut them down to an only slightly higher percentage than you get all the time, instead of a way way higher one?

(INDIE AUTHORS: Please leave us out of this.)

AUTHORS UNITED: You have to do what we want, because culture! We are the only source of books and the only means of free expression!

AMAZON: Are not.

AUTHORS UNITED: FREE EXPRESSION!

AMAZON: We agree.

AUTHORS UNITED: The DOJ will hear about this!

AMAZON: We love those guys. Tell them we said hi.


Further reading:
Passive Guy provides some excellent legal commentary
Joe Konrath provides some excellent fisking

Edit-
Here’s the thing, and I said this last time I blogged mean about AU: I really don’t like blogging mean, honest I don’t. But I feel compelled to respond when they behave this badly, and so deliberately pursue their own self-interest while pretending to be motivated by nothing but altruism and apple pie and the children. It’s so disappointing to see in people I’ve read and enjoyed and in many cases, admired. And as you can see by this one paragraph, if I play it straight it just turns into a boring lecture.

Authors United vs. Amazon: a Primer

I strongly suggest to you all that you read the latest letter from Authors United to Amazon’s Board of Directors, because seriously, it is just the very cutest thing. My favorite is “books are not consumer goods,” but the cry that traditional publishing and traditionally published authors like themselves are crucial, because editors (and also America), paired with the error in the very first line, is pretty good too. Over a thousand people signed that letter, and it claims that every one of them read it first. So I guess they’re right. They really do need editors.

But, I know my peeps are busy. Maybe you don’t have time to read it. Because you’re working, like, day jobs, and writing books and stuff. So to help you stay informed within the confines of your busy schedule, I’m going to go ahead and sum up this whole kerfuffle for you.


AUTHORS UNITED: We’re really mad because you’re blocking sales of Hachette titles!

AMAZON: We’re not blocking sales of Hachette titles. Go buy them from our site right now.

AUTHORS UNITED: Well, our sales are down.

AMAZON: Then maybe some of you clowns should stop urging your readers to boycott us? (shrug)

AUTHORS UNITED: But you’re not stocking them in your warehouses! Or putting pre-order buttons on the pages!

AMAZON: We can’t be stocking or promising future sales of books from a supplier whose products we have no contract to sell. Business and customers and stuff? And by the way, the reason we don’t have a contract with this particular supplier is that they let the contract expire and refused to negotiate a new one.

AUTHORS UNITED: Okay, but we’re really mad because you’re blocking boycotting sanctioning Hachette titles!

AMAZON: Are not.

AUTHORS UNITED: Are too.

AMAZON: Whatevs.

AUTHORS UNITED: LITERATURE! CULTURE! BOOKS ARE NOT THINGS AND STUFF!

AMAZON: …

AUTHORS UNITED: AMAGA YOU ARE NOT DISCOUNTING OUR BOOKS!!!11!!one!

AMAZON: But your publisher is arguing that you authors can’t eat unless the prices are kept high, so…

AUTHORS UNITED: You can’t just go charging the price Hachette put on the cover, are you nuts? Nobody is going to buy books at that price! YOU OWE US DISCOUNTS! WE ARE ENTITLED TO DISCOUNTS! Also, we have never commented on the price of books.

AMAZON: But… isn’t complaining about discounts kind of like commenting on the price of books?

AUTHORS UNITED: Books are not consumer goods!

AMAZON: Then why are we discussing discounting and warehousing and selling them?

AUTHORS UNITED: We are prominent and important! We are PROMINENT and IMPORTANT! WE ARE PROMINENT! AND ALSO IMPORTANT!

AMAZON: Kk. We’re going back to work now.

NEW YORK TIMES REPORTER: No! Listen! They are prominent! Also important! WHALE MATH!!!!


So there you have it. HTH.

Further reading:
Joe Konrath’s hilarious fisk
Hugh Howey’s summary of lies from many directions