Time for a new round of search term Q&A

We haven’t done this in forever, but my longer term peeps know I like to occasionally go through the WordPress report on the search terms that have brought people to my site, and do my best to oblige them with answers to their burning questions. So let’s get to it:

mr. rochester is an asshole: You seem to have worked this out on your own, so why the search? If you’re seeking confirmation, then yes. Mr. Rochester is an asshole. We love him anyway though, because Jane does, and that’s good enough for us.

supernatural x reader lemon: Last time I did this, I had one that said mr rochester x reader lemon. Now this. I’m not quite sure I’ve got the proper decoder ring. Um, drink more Ovaltine?

scariest things: Spiders, clowns, creepy dolls, walking across your dark room to your bed when you just know a pale slimy hand is about to reach out from under it and grab you (No? Just me?), deep water, any vague unidentified problems that involve calling a plumber or an electrician.

terrifying jaws: Assuming you mean the shark, then yes, I can confirm that Jaws is terrifying. Human jaws are not even unsettling.

illidan wisely say: You are not prepared.

formatting messed up on createspace template: You’ve got to watch those guys, it’s true. Just double check the centering on your headers and footers; they like to leave the first line indent in there, so it’s not really centered at all.

the north remembers: YES IT DOES.

jen rasmussen: You’ve come to the right place! Except, there is another Jen Rasmussen who seems to be an expert bee keeper. I am not her, and I’m afraid my only knowledge of honey is as it relates to tea or baking bread. I’m not fond of bees.

jen rasmussen hawaii: Sign me up!

jen rasmussen porn: Do not sign me up!

jen is cow: Now you’re just being rude.

richard armitage nude: You again? Well, points for persistence. But I’m afraid I can’t help you.

gaming with jen facebook: I’m not into Facebook games, but if you want to do some WoW pet battles, I am your girl.

I also get quite a few visitors who arrive here after various searches having to do with Authors United, but honestly, I just don’t even want to talk about them anymore. It’s gotten too ridiculous to even mock.

Search terms: you ask, I answer

This is one of my favorite games to play on my other blog, but I don’t think I’ve ever done it here. I feel it’s only polite to try to help those who visit me seeking something specific. Luckily, WordPress can tell me what they were looking for.

real dornish peppers: It would have been better for you to hear this from a loved one, but I’m afraid there’s not a real Dorne. I imagine you could substitute any of several varieties of chili?

things that are not scary: Macaroons. Napkins. Toothpaste. The Blair Witch Project.

sansa loves lemon cakes: Yep.

jen rasmussen hawaii nude: Not that I recall.

richard armitage butt: Seriously, four of you in the last thirty days? I am not the proper resource for this. Meaning no offense to Mr. Armitage, there aren’t very many people whose butts I care to know stuff about.

american horror story briefly topics: Ghosts, aliens, medical experiments gone awry, odd explanations for the Black Dahlia, creepy clowns, creepy nuns, creepy war criminals, completely uncreepy and nonsensical witches, serial killers, and ladies who want babies. Not in that order.

info on murder of jen rasmussen: I imagine I’d be the last to know.

we found a witch may we burn her: How do you know she’s a witch?

jen scary thing: Not generally. Maybe if that Hawaii thing was true.

where do you send for letter to cary fukunaga: I can’t help with this, but if you write to him, tell him I loved his Jane Eyre!

four and tris with supernatural powers: I agree this would be cool.

excessive planning: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS.

i would always rather be happy than dignified: Jane and I both approve.

mr rochester x reader lemon: This is almost certainly code for something, but as I’m not a Cold War spy, I don’t know what. Perhaps my commenters can offer suggestions, if it wouldn’t blow their cover.

One Last Time

MAJOR SPOILERS for The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, both movies and books.

CORRECTION: My apologies for getting the subtitle of the first movie wrong. What can I say, there were a few iterations during production, and I’m a forgetful old lady. That part’s been removed.

 

The subtitle for the second Hobbit movie made no sense. The Desolation of Smaug didn’t happen in that movie. But The Battle of Five Armies is aptly named. The battle is the movie. The whole movie.

It’s to Peter Jackson’s credit, then, that despite all that (great) action and all those (great) special effects, this was really a character movie. This is what I was missing from the second installment: it rang a little hollow, because it was just a bunch of action scenes mashed together without enough room for the actors to, you know, act and stuff.

That doesn’t happen here, and ultimately, it’s Jackson’s cast that carries this trilogy to a triumphant end. So I’m going to say nice things about them first, before I do any scolding.

Among some very stiff competition, Luke Evans and Richard Armitage were the standouts. Armitage played Thorin’s descent into madness beautifully. Sure, Thorin was a bit over the top, but if you haven’t come to expect that from Peter Jackson’s direction by now, you haven’t been paying attention. And it was the quiet moments, the flashes of the real Thorin coming through, that made the whole thing work. Armitage is what I always think of as a face actor; his performances are as much about his expression as the delivery of his lines. And when you can pull that off under all that hair and makeup, that’s saying something.

Luke Evans, on the other hand, actually manages to deliver a performance with restraint in a Peter Jackson movie, which is also saying something. He hits all the right notes with Bard, without ever crossing over into melodrama, and gives us an understated hero who despite his unlikely acrobatics and even more unlikely, for a fisherman, weapon skills, is completely believable.

And speaking of face actors, Dean O’Gorman is an unsung hero of these movies, because Aiden Turner’s Kili (also well played) gets all the spotlight in that brotherhood. But Dean O’Gorman? Is awesome. Peter Jackson is a great storytelller, and watching Fili and Kili growing from immature, innocent, plate-tossing goofballs into brave and battle-hardened men (or, well, grown dwarves) has been one of my favorite stories to watch.

The dwarves in the book aren’t really characters, except for Thorin (who himself only has one note, and that note is jerk). The others are largely indistinguishable from one another, a string of funny names. It’s quite an accomplishment for the writers and the cast that they managed to create thirteen actual, distinct, sympathetic people. I will never again read the Moria scene in Fellowship without tears, because Ken Stott made Balin real. Also a special round of applause for Graham McTavish, who succeeded in making me see Dwalin again, when I was pretty sure I’d only be able to think of him as Dougal from now on (and thus want to punch him).

It’s always, always a pleasure to see Ian McKellan and Cate Blanchett. I’d watch them read their grocery lists and be riveted the whole time. I can’t with this weird Gandalf-Galadriel thing, but still. Nice to see you guys!

And then we have Martin Freeman. Crikey. I really think this is the single best piece of casting across all six movies, and this performance right here is how you take a movie full of pointy elf ears and swords and dragons and make it real for people. And incidentally, while I got emotional several times, I did not cry until Bilbo started crying over Thorin’s body. (Then I cried the whole rest of the time.)

Okay, enough gushing. I have a bone to pick. There’s pretty much no point anymore in book comparisons. The Hobbit movies especially are more “inspired by” than “based on,” and that’s okay. Unlike a lot of other book fans, I like Tauriel just fine, and I like Evangeline Lilly in the role. But all that said, the worn-to-death star-crossed lovers routine is, frankly, a piss poor replacement for how Fili and Kili really die. It’s just one little line in the book:

Fili and Kili had fallen defending him with shield and body, for he was their mother’s elder brother.

But that image of them, fighting to the death over the mortally wounded Thorin, has stuck with me since I was seven years old. Because all that courage and loyalty and sacrifice make a tragic, fitting end to the House of Durin. And it’s so much more compelling than what we got.

I’ve expected to have my heart broken by their deaths since they first came to dinner at Bilbo’s. But, nope. I was properly shocked and dismayed by the abruptness of Fili’s, but Kili’s was so strongly telegraphed, and in such a cliched way, that when it finally came it was almost a relief. I was sorry they were dead, but the actual deaths did not make me cry. And they should have. That should have been one of the most memorable scenes in all six movies.

On a lighter note for the darkest of the Middle Earth movies, it’s clear to me that either Peter Jackson, or someone on his team, plays Word of Warcraft. First they put dwarves on rams. Then Beorn does a textbook bear bomb. Coincidence or conspiracy?

I’d like to end with a hat tip to the genius who came up with the “One Last Time” marketing campaign. Because I spent the last, I don’t know, maybe twenty minutes crying, and by the end it had nothing to do with the story and everything to do with my knowledge that we were leaving (movie) Middle Earth forever.

Only the rights to The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings were ever sold, and if memory serves, Christopher Tolkien has been very clear that he has no intention of selling the rights to any of Tolkien’s other work, ever. Peter Jackson already did some mining in the appendices of Lord of the Rings for the Hobbit movies, and I don’t think there’s much more story to be wrung out of the material he’s allowed to use.

Then again, “not much more” isn’t the same thing as “none,” is it? #OneMoreTime?

Evangeline Lilly kicks butt, Richard Armitage twirls his mustache, and fans get the vapors

It seems I’m at odds with many of my fellow Tolkien fans: I liked The Desolation of Smaug. I didn’t love it the way I loved the first one, but I haven’t got any complaints either. Does this mean we’re in a fight?

Look, there’s something us readers of books are going to have to learn to accept once and for all: movies based on books will deviate from their source material. Seriously, it’s like every time this happens we’re surprised and outraged anew. Movies are not books. If we can’t accept someone else messing with a beloved story in a different medium, then maybe we shouldn’t, yanno, see the movie. In the case of these movies, at least a lot of what wasn’t in The Hobbit was drawn from (or inspired by, if you prefer) the appendices of The Lord of the Rings and Unfinished Tales.

And yes, Peter Jackson is always going to have a strong kickass she-warrior. If Eowyn isn’t available, he’s going to make one up. That’s because it’s his job to sell movies. Evangeline Lilly performed the task capably, and as for Kili’s crush on Tauriel, okay yeah, kind of cheesy. But I don’t get all the outrage. It’s not like it’s unprecedented in Tolkien’s universe for a dwarf to have a thing for a beautiful elf.

Like any other fan, I have some quibbles. (What’s with the ringwraiths, both here and in An Unexpected Journey, having tombs? This is driving me nuts.) But they’re minor in the scheme of things. If I have a source of anything that can be properly called disappointment, it’s that there was less acting in this movie. One of the strengths I found in An Unexpected Journey versus Jackson’s previous Tolkien films was that I felt the cast was stronger. Martin Freeman and Richard Armitage in particular were both nearly flawless in their roles.

In this installment, as their arcs are written by Walsh, Boyens, and Jackson, both Bilbo and Thorin are in the midst of important internal struggles (both involving, in what I assume is an intentional parallel, their strength and sanity being tested by a mysterious object). But while we get glimpses of that inner turmoil, the movie always falls back on their more physical adventures, one after another unbroken by those quiet moments of character development that some moviegoers are bored by but others, like me, miss when they’re not there. It becomes a little heavy-handed when the only way you can show me what’s happening to Thorin is by putting an over-the-top moment of swordy-pointy menace (I’m frankly surprised Richard Armitage was able to resist twirling his mustache in that scene – perhaps he couldn’t separate it from his beard) right next to an over-the-top heroic action sequence, just to make sure the contrast is announced as loudly as possible.

The performances were good, but they weren’t given a lot of space to happen. This was, in the end, a special effects movie. So at least the special effects were good, no? Come on. Love the movie or hate it, that dragon was kickass.